I usually not like people who smile too much (Smirking is a different matter altogether). That ten thousand watt smile may be pleasant, but after a while it will probably begin to grate.(Yes, I revel in being grumpy and grouchy. I have a ten thousand watt frown! If one of the fucking ghosts of Christmas came in to visit me, I’d throw something heavy at it, maybe a toaster or a large can of tomato puree. (I do have a large can of tomato puree that I bought last December and haven’t opened yet.) Except for the Ghost of Christmas Past. He’s cool.)

But far more annoying are the blank insincere smiles that the people in commercials have. They’re smiling for no fucking reason whatsoever. Nobody smiles when they are vacuuming, or when they are cleaning the toilet bowl, or when taking the trash out. (And how the fuck can they hold that smile for the entire duration of the commercial? While talking! It is unnatural, and probably involves plastic surgery, black magic and tons of duct-tape.)

No, the look on your face at that time is one of pained disgust, or a look of pained martyrdom, or a look of pained pain. No fucking smiling happens. No wide eyed looks of delight, no happy skipping with a dripping toilet brush in your hands. No looking into the toilet bowl with wide eyed wonder.

Inappropriate smiling involves smiling when you are in the presence of any cleaning product. If you are in the room with something that’s sole purpose in life is getting the gunk off your bathroom floor do not fucking smile like a supermodel just offered to bump uglies with you.

Ban those looks of childlike delight when the fucking Amazing Wonder Mop picks the grungy icky grime from off the floor. And if you show me a split screen with the leading competitor’s product, with it being used by a lady less attractive than the one using used by your product, I will come by your offices and tar and feather you. Except that instead of tar I will use the grungy grime that you used in your commercial.

No more smiling while advertising exercise products. Nobody has a smile of joy when they are on the treadmill. They grimace and look pissed off. Nobody stares off into the distance with a exalted smile as they use the device that will give them a six pack in three weeks if they use it for sixty three seconds a day. And frankly the implicit message in that commercial is that you (presumably gullible viewer) will end up looking like the person in that commercial if you just buy the product. That is fucking deceptive. But, if you are dumb enough to fall for that, you deserve to end up with the BoFlex Cardio-Ab-Ass Machine. You’ll never use it and I hope that the guilt eats you up inside. Either that or that the delivery people drop it on your toe. Try having a fucking exalted smile on your face then.

No smiling at the sight of breakfast cereal. People are not supposed to be cheery before breakfast. If they are, I will come by and shove their heads into the bowl. I’ll have a fucking exalted smile then.

No smiling when peddling pills. And no running past the side effects in a matter of seconds. If the side effects involve shortness of breath, hallucinations and death, I want to know about them. Without being blinded by the smile. Please.

Feel free to smile during a fast food advertisement. I enjoy watching people have coronaries as bright smiles flit across their faces. Much like a butterfly in the spring flitting across a field right before it becomes an early afternoon snack for some enterprising bird.

Grinning allowed during toothpaste commercials. But I’d prefer grimacing. (That’s just me and I’m willing to be flexible here.) But again, no fucking splits screens and please, please, stops using black dots to represent bacteria. I’d like to see something new. Perhaps, the grungy, grimy, gunk from that other commercial.

And more semi-naked women in beer commercials. They can smile as much as they want to. It is not in the least bit inappropriate. Hey, you‘re objectifying women, but at least you are being honest about it.

And Victoria’s Secret commercials. Smile as much as you want to. Or not. I’m really not paying attention to the smile part of the commercial. (One however does wonder who Victoria was, and what was her secret? Secret underwear? Like a secret agent? Undercover underwear? Underwear that used to work for MI6 and spy on the countries beyond the Iron Curtain? Was this underwear responsible for the fall of communism and the destruction of the Soviet Union? What was the underwear’s undercover alias? Was it impersonating a mild mannered shirt in the day and at night it would hunt down East German agents in West Berlin? I sense movie possibilities here. A movie with lots of loud explosions and semi-naked women. Or a movie with lots of loud women and semi-naked explosions)

So yeah, I got nothing.